...Even blogging. I guess it has been a long time in coming, but I have had to sit and re-evaluate the purpose of this blog. I'm at a horrendous crossroads in my life. If you are a young reader and being pressured by school or community college to make life decisions now, don't listen. You can still get away with a vague sense of where you are going, and instead of being frightened by that, you should embrace the possibility!
If, like me, you have reached university then you will understand the terror of the future. I am literally frozen from fear, a sever case of 'rabbit - in - the - headlights' syndrome. Making a decision seems impossible, and even if I come to some sort of conclusion, there are thousands of others out there who made their minds up years ago and are already well on their way to my dream. Is that a selfish thought? Especially as it isn't my 'dream' if I only decide what to do in the next few months?
Any career will be most welcome of course. The prospect of regular money and a reasonably satisfying job is often all I wish for, especially as my life goals are more family oriented. However, my actual dream, the thing that keeps me awake at night just thinking about the delicious possibilities is one that I fear I am not brave enough to chase after. It isn't conventional, and a far cry from all this work I have been doing in order to pass my degree. I am frightened by the consequences if I follow my heart.
Here I come to a personal belief - if my mind wasn't affected by Blossom Hill's finest fruity red then I would decide against including it in this post, and who knows, by the rate my body sobers up I may remove this entire section before publishing.
I am open to a bit of the mystical; tarot cards, palmistry, crystal healing - name it and I more than likely have an opinion on it. I am under no allusions - some of it is utter rubbish. There are so many corrupt and evil fraudsters out there who take advantage of human sorrow for profit, and it makes me sick. And more than a little dubious as to the truth of the matter. However, the fact remains that a reasonably portioned side of me believes it...if treated with the respect and caution it demands.
So a few days after New Year I went to my Tarot Card reader with so many questions I could barely focus as I shuffled the deck. I didn't know what I wanted the answers to be, and I certainly had no idea as to how I would treat the information I would be given.
Now for those of you with a strong imagination, rid yourself of the image of crystal balls, chintz curtains and incense. Well actually, there was a hint of ylang ylang in the air, but that is because my reader's husband is a massage healer and had previously used the room to treat a patient. But I digress. The fact is, Tarot is not all pomp and spectacle, and this is why I respect my reader so very much. She is so matter - of - fact and down - to - earth that I feel more comfortable in discussing matters with her than any councilor I had been assigned to in my teenage years. Some would argue that this is how 'they' trick people into believing, but that is their opinion.
I'm not going to discuss my reading, but I mention it as it is the reasoning behind my sudden and renewed sense of trying to work out what I want from life. As I mentioned earlier, my reader's husband is a massage healer, but also reads palms. He does this for free as I sit waiting for my appointment, and although the art of palmistry can be learned from anywhere on the internet, I believe this guy to be genuine. Especially as what my palms have to say has changed according to the changes in my life, from the first time he read them to the most recent time.
So I have a strong headline. My heartline is good, but it is clear from the creases in my palm that I think with my noodle, and don't give in to the impulses of my heart. It could be argued that I believe this because a palm reader told me, but really, do cynics think that highly of themselves and that lowly of the intellects of everyone else?! The arrogance! I know I think with my head and not my heart - the evidence is that I chose an English degree over a Foundation level in Art. My true dream was to create and think about art, all day, everyday, but my head took control and informed me that I would possibly end up in a lot of financial trouble, or in a field where the inconsistency of work would drive me to distraction. And my head did not want that.
Therefor, head took over and and subdued the voice of my heart, and I find myself slightly tipsy in a freezing cold house near the centre of Leicester after my first exam of the semester, blogging my heart out as I yearn after the 'what if's', desperately trying to reach some sort of conclusion so I can settle down and revise for my next exam. Yes. You could say that this entire post is new and philosophical way to procrastinate!
So, back to my original point - what 900 words previous? This blog will be subjected to some changes. I'm not sure what, or when, or to what end, but I know it will be an important tool in the future. That is, if I decide it to be. I have so may ideas and all I want is the time to organise them, but I lack the knowledge on how. Absolutely anyone would suggest writing them down, and I do, but then I lose the notebook, or it is at hand when I need to jot down day-to-day nonsense so it ends up as a generic notebook, not the compendium of dreams I had hoped for it when I started. So I guess my blog could be my notebook of sorts? Maybe. I'm not sure I want to make my innermost hopes public.
Rest assured, the craft updates will stay! I was even given a video camera by my mum for Christmas (for use 'on my travels' she said, but they aren't til the end of the year...) I have ideas for crochet stitch tutorials etc, but whether I can manage my time in order to achieve this is another thing entirely. That is my problem. I am terrible at time management (as I was again reminded of today in my exam. Urgh.) But maybe I should save that for another post, as this really is getting too long...
All the best from a confused and tipsy soon-to-be- 21-year-old...
♥ Rachel ♥
[ALL images are my own. And my best work to date (:]